Over Her

You know I been trying to figure out…Just what's going on…Am I over her? ...I been doing a lot of thinking lately…Am I over her? …And I'm really missing you.




It was a dreary day in Lexington, Kentucky.  The air smelled of freshly cut grass mixed with the hot, summer rain falling on the concrete.  Brian sighed as he watched his wife, Leighanne flip through the radio stations.  He looked around as he stopped at the traffic light.  A smile curved on his lips as he was remembering all the good times he had as a child.  Lexington was his favorite place in the world.  It was his home.  He rarely got to come home since he was so busy with his music career.  Brian always looked forward to his visits to Lexington, especially when it came time to meet up with the people of the Healthy Heart Club.  He was extremely grateful to have the chance to visit his hometown.

Leighanne sighed and left the radio on a Christian station.  Brian glanced over at her, raising his eyebrows at his wife's annoyance.  Without a word, she laughed and took his hand.  He continued to smile as he lifted her hand to his lips and kissed it.  He spotted the children's hospital within a couple of blocks in front of him and merged into the left hand turn lane.  Leighanne let go of his hand and began digging through her baby blue Wylee bag.  Brian softly chuckled, knowing that she was going to start freshening her makeup.  He snickered to himself as he watched her pull out her makeup bag and unzipped it.  

"What?" she said while looking at him.

"Not a thing," he said while laughing.

"You are messing with me this afternoon," she said while laughing.  

"I am not," he said then kissed her.  "I just don't know why you need all that make up, anyway.  You're already perfect as it is."

Leighanne smiled and returned the kiss.  "You're buttering me up, but I'll take it."

Brian shook his head as he undid his seatbelt.  "I'm ready when you are."

"I'm ready now," Leighanne said as she gave herself on last look in her mirror.

"Good," Brian replied as he open the door.

He stepped out of the car and immediately noticed the muggy air around him.  His skin burned a little from the temperature shock between the car and outside.  He shut the door and went around the car to join Leighanne.  She smiled and took his hand as they walked to the building.  

Like a gentleman, he opened the door for his wife and followed closely behind.  The air conditioning hit him as soon as he walked through the doorway, giving him relief from the rigid heat outside.  He recognized the familiar doctor's office smell, a combination of antibacterial spray and tongue depressors.  Leighanne sat in a chair while Brian headed to the receptionist's desk.  No one was there, so he rang the silver bell on the desk. A young woman emerged from behind the filing cabinet.  Before she could say a word, Brian recognized her immediately.  He'd recognize those blue eyes anywhere.  It was his ex girlfriend from high school, Magz.  His heart jumped in his throat when she looked at him in obviously remembrance of who he was.  She smiled at him…the same smile she would give him when he last saw her…over sixteen years ago.  

"Brian Littrell," she said sweetly. "What a surprise! What brings you here?"

His words were caught in a choke for a moment.  Brian cleared his throat and placed his hands on the counter.

"I'm here to go over some details for Healthy Heart with Dr. Warren," he said softly.

"Yes, Dr. Warren is expecting you.  Gosh, it's been a long time since I've seen you!" she said with an enthusiastic smile.  "You're a big shot now!"

Brian smile and nodded.  "I'm definitely blessed," he said as he looked behind him.  He signaled for Leighanne to join him at the desk.  "Um, Magz, this is my wife, Leighanne," he said as she approached him.

"Yes, I remember your mom telling me you got married!  Congratulations!  I know I'm way late, but I'm telling you now," Magz replied with a laugh.

"Thanks," he said with a courteous smile. "We also have a beautiful son named Baylee," he said as he pulled out his wallet and showed off a recent picture.

Magz looked at the picture and beamed with delight. "Oh, my goodness! Brian, he looks just like you!"

"Yes, he does," Leighanne agreed.

"Well, I'm happy for you both. He's a beautiful little boy," she said.

"Thank you," Brian replied.

"Well, just have a seat and I'll let Dr. Warren know that you're here." she said then went to the back.

Brian nodded and placed his hand on the small of Leighanne's back, leading her back over to the seats.  He stiffened as he caught sight of Leighanne looking at him from the corner of his eye.

"Who was that?" she asked.

"Just an old friend. I haven't seen her in ages." he said as he shifted in his seat.

"Well, it's always nice to see a familiar face." Leighanne said with a smile.

"Yes, it is." he said softly.

Brian picked up an invisible piece of fuzz from off his jeans and cleared his throat.  He was ready to leave the waiting room and get down to business.  The situation was a little awkward for him, but he was very unsure as to why.  Leighanne picked up a magazine and began browsing through while he looked around the waiting room.  He drew in a breath and slowly exhaled as he caught sight of Dr. Warren coming in his direction.

"Brian, it's so good to see you again." he said with a warm smile.

Brian stood up and shook his hand. "I always look forward to our meetings." he stated enthusiastically.

"Will you be visiting us at the children's hospital today?"

Brian nodded.  "Leighanne and I are headed over there as soon as we finish up here."

"Great!" Dr. Warren replied. "The children will be delighted to see you.  Let's step back into my office."

"Alrighty," Brian replied as he grabbed Leighanne's hand and followed him to the office.

The meeting went smoothly, as to be expected.  Brian was pleased with progress of the scheduled event for HHC.  It was always good news to hear when things are going as planned.  Brian held Leighanne's hand listened carefully to everything Dr. Warren had to say.  Subconsciously, his mind was wandering back to Magz sitting at the front desk.  He pushed the image out of his head.  Leighanne looked over at him and squeezed his hand.  Brian forced a smile and stood up to shake Dr. Warren's hand.

"Thanks for everything, Dr. Warren.  We'll be in touch," Brian said.

"Definitely," he said.  "We'll see you in a couple of months."

"Ready, Babe?" Brian asked as he took her hand.

"Yup."

"Thanks, again, Doctor," Brian said as he lead Leighanne out of the office.

They made their way toward the waiting room when Brian saw Magz standing behind the receptionist's desk.  She smiled and waved them goodbye.  Their eyes locked for a moment and Brian felt his heart skip a beat.  Magz stepped away from the desk and moved over to them.

"Brian, it was so good to see you again," she said as she touched his arm. "And it was nice meeting you." she said to Leighanne.

"You too," Leighanne said.

"Um, Baby, we should get going." Brian said quickly.

"Yes, we've got a lunch date," Leighanne said as she waved goodbye to Magz. "Have a good day."

"You too," Magz said as she sat back in her seat behind the desk.

Brian squeezed Leighanne's hand and they made their way to the parking lot.  He felt a rush of relief when they left the building.  He squinted in the bright sunlight as he reached into his pocket for his keys.  Brian unlocked the car and they both quickly got into the sun blazed car.  He quickly turned on the ignition and set the air conditioning before putting on his seatbelt.

"It's so hot today!" Leighanne exclaimed as she waved her hand over her face for air.

"Yes, it is," Brian agreed as he turned the temperature knob.  "It should cool down quickly."

"So, she seemed like a nice girl," Leighanne said casually.

"Who?" Brian replied nonchalantly.

"Magz."

"Yeah," Brian said softly.  "She is."

"How do you know her? From high school?"

Brian thought for a moment, twisting his mouth at the thought. "Yeah…from high school," he said in a daze.  "What do you want to eat?" he asked, changing the subject.

"Food," Leighanne joked.

"I'm serious," Brian said while laughing.

"Your pick," Leighanne offered.  "I chose breakfast."

"Alright," Brian said as he backed out of the parking.  "My pick."



It's been three months, three hours, three days…Since the last time I seen your pretty face…My decision to bring this to an end and I'm caught up in reminiscing.





The Never Gone tour was still going on and Brian was missing his wife tremendously. Even though it was going to be only three more weeks until she'd join him back on the road, he couldn't help but ache for her presence. He sighed as he looked out the window of the tour bus. Everything was pretty quiet. Nick and A.J. were in the back, watching a movie. He could hear the occasional laughter from Nick. Howie was asleep in his bunk, and Kevin was sitting at the table writing in a notepad. Brian crossed his arms and watched the scenery go by. He checked his phone…still another three hours of travel time.

"Hey, Brian, look at this," Kevin said as he sat beside him.

"What is it?"

"Check it out. I found one of your old high school yearbooks when I was at my mom's house last month. I forgot I had even borrowed it from you." he said as he handed it to him.

Brian flipped through the pages and found a very familiar picture of him and Magz together for the spring dance. He smiled at the memory.  They had been together since seventh grade.  He shook his head as he observed the photo.  She looked the same as she did then.  His eyes grew wide as he remembered that night.

"Isn't that your old girlfriend?" Kevin asked.

"Yeah," Brian said softly.

"Magz, wasn't it?"

"Yup, that's her."

"That was such a long time ago. Damn, I feel old," he said with a chuckle.

Brian chuckled with him and nodded in agreement. "Yeah, we're a couple of old farts," he said as he shut the book. "I gotta call Leighanne." he said as he stood up.

Kevin went back to the table as Brian walked back to his bunk with the yearbook still in his hand. He carefully placed it in his duffel bag then laid down in his bunk. He sighed as he rested his hands on his torso and listened to the distant laughter of Nick and A.J. in the back room.  Brian pulled his phone out of his pocket.  He pulled Leighanne's name out of his contact box then put his phone back down in frustration. He decided to wait until he got to the hotel to call her. His mind was heavy with thoughts and all he wanted to do was sleep.





Having faithful visions of long walks, long talks…Play fights, late nights…It's been on my mind since Valentine's…Cause I had your heart and I let it slide.






Three weeks had passed and Brian was sitting outside on the deck of his home in Georgia.  The boys had two weeks before they had to be back on the road.  It was a much needed break and he enjoyed his time with his family.  Despite being surrounded by the people he loved, his mind was clouded by heavy thoughts of his past.  He found himself daydreaming about Magz. As innocent as his daydreams were, he still felt guilty for having been thinking about her. It was an old high school fling that faltered when his career took off. He couldn't help but feel as if he was being a terrible husband to Leighanne, but at the same time…he couldn't stop thinking about her. He took a drink of his iced tea and let his mind wander back to a fond memory of them spending a day at the lake.

"Brian, row faster," Magz said with a laugh. "All we're doing is going in circles."

"I'm rowing as fast as I can. I just can't do it, Captain! I don't have the power!"

Magz laughed hysterically. "Oh, forget it. We're stuck until the current picks up."

"You make it sound like it's a bad thing." Brian said with a smile.

"I guess it isn't." Magz said as she leaned in and kissed him.

"Daddy!" said the voice of Baylee.

Brian quickly awoke from his daydream and watched his son run across the pool deck with his little Elmo floatees on his arms.  He smiled at the sight of his precious son.

"Don't run, Bay," he said as he got up and walked towards him.

"Daddy, I wanna swim!"

Brian smiled and picked him up. "Where's Mommy?"

"In the kitchen," Baylee said. "But, Daddy, I wanna swim!"

"Okay, okay. We'll go swimming. Let Daddy put his shorts on. You can wait in the kitchen."

"Yay!" Baylee shouted as Brian carried him into the kitchen.







I ask myself time and time again…I'm trying to comprehend that…Unanswered questions still…Things to be are meant to end.





The sun set on that same evening and Brian was lying on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. The television was on mute and the lights were all out. He was watching the light from the television bounce off the walls while he tried to make sense of his emotions. Why couldn't he stop thinking about her? The back and forth thoughts were tearing him apart.  Brian sighed as he closed his eyes.  He found himself falling back into another memory that made him remember why their relationship failed in the first place.

"So, you're leaving me?" Magz said as her voice cracked.

"Baby, this is an opportunity of a lifetime. I can't pass this up."

"I can't believe you're leaving me," she said with a sob.

"Magz, I'm not leaving you. I'm just leaving the state."

"You're going to go out there and forget all about me."

"No, it's not going to happen."

"Yes, it will! You're going to become famous and you won't need me anymore."

"Baby--"

"Brian, please leave!"


Brian quickly opened his eyes, away from the memory.  Once again, his thoughts were interrupted. Only this time, it was Leighanne. She was sitting on the floor in front of the couch. He looked at her with loving eyes.  She stared at Brian in concern and rubbed her hand on his arm.

"You're quiet today," she said.

"Yeah," Brian replied softly.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, don't worry about it."

Leighanne reached over and placed her hand on his cheek. He looked into her eyes and couldn't help but smile. His heart swelled with love for her. Brian grabbed her hand and linked his fingers with hers. She smiled at him as he kissed her hand.

"I love you," he said softly.

"I love you too," she replied.

"Wanna go to bed?"

"Yeah, I'm tired," she said.

Brian picked up the remote and turned off the TV. He stood up and went upstairs, holding his wife's hand. He turned down the blankets as she changed for bed.  Brian crawled into the bed and laid on his back and watched Leighanne slip on her favorite pink pajamas.  He smiled as she turned off the light and curled into his arms. He gently kissed the top of her head and took in the scent of her shampoo.  She fell asleep almost instantly, but he still found himself troubled with his thoughts.  It was obvious that sleep wasn't going to be an easy task that night.






Am I over her…Tell me am I really over my…I can't think straight…Cause I'm too busy thinking of her…Am I really over my love?






Brian tossed and turned all night. His mind was racing with memory after memory.  In frustration, he quietly got out of bed and went into the bathroom. Brian shut the door behind him and felt for the light switch.  He clamped his eyes shut as the bright light blinded him for a moment.  Brian walked over to the shower, turned on the tub faucet, and decided to take a hot shower. He sighed as he removed his boxers and stepped into the shower.  The steam surrounded him as he closed his eyes and allowed his mind to grow numb.  He leaned against the shower wall and clamped his eyes shut while thoughts of Magz still ran through his head. Brian grit his teeth and lightly hit his fist against the tile.

"God, please help me," he whispered as he stared at his wedding ring. "Why am I thinking of someone else? Forgive me father…for I have sinned."






It's water under the bridge…But I can't seem to forget…All the plans we made, all the time we spent…Makes me reminisce…I still see your face…All this love I can't replace…Am I over her?






He scrubbed his body as hard as he could, hoping to cleanse himself of the thoughts that haunted his mind.  He gave up and threw down the soap.  It was no use.  Magz was going to continue to creep into his thoughts.  He shut off the water and stepped out of the shower.  The cold tile stung against his bare feet as he put on his robe. Brian shut off the light and quietly went back into the bedroom.  Leighanne was still sound asleep, curled up in a fetal position on her side of the bed.  He was quietly dried his hair with this towel while reaching into the dresser for a pair of boxers. Brian put them on and tied his robe back up. Quietly, he walked out of the bedroom and wandered down the hall to Baylee's room. Baylee was fast asleep with the blankets kicked off. He smiled as he walked into the room and put the blankets back over his son. Brian went back into the hallway in the direction of his office. He plopped into the chair and turned on his computer. He heard the familiar chime of an offline message on MSN. Brian swallowed hard and felt his stomach flutter as he saw Magz name flashing on the screen.  He sucked in his breath and read the message she had left for him.

Brian…it was so good to see you again. I ran into your mother yesterday and she gave me your screen name. I hope you don't mind. I know you're not online right now, but I wanted to leave you this message. Even though things between us didn't work out…you'll always remain very special to me. You were my first love. It took me a long time to realize that life is a forever changing event. As the years went by, I came to accept that we were never meant to be. I'm happy to know that you've found love…and I'm sure you will be happy to know so have I. In fact, I sent you an e-mail with an invitation to our wedding. I'm getting married this fall. I hope to see you there. I've rambled on enough…message me back some time. You're a special man, Brian…don't ever change.

Your Friend,
Magz

Brian sat at the computer with a blank stare. He suddenly felt a weight come off his shoulders. He glanced at the Bible sitting to his left. A silent prayer came to his mind…thank you, Jesus. I now understand. He smiled as he replied to the message.

Magz, it was great seeing you too! You're getting married! What a blessed event! Leighanne and I will definitely try to make it. I'll have to see if it works with my tour schedule. I just want you to know that I'm glad that there's no resentment towards our past. You remain special to me as well and I hope we can continue to be friends.

God Bless,
Brian

With a feeling of satisfaction, he sent the message and let out a yawn. He wasn't quite tired enough for bed, so he continued to check his messages. He was in the middle of checking his E mail when he heard the door open.  He glanced over to find Leighanne walking in.  A smile crept across his face when she fully emerged into the room.

"Sorry, I couldn't sleep," he said.

"Baby, are you sure everything's okay?"

Brian offered her his hand and guided her to sit on his lap. "Everything is perfect."

"You've been acting really strange for weeks," she said as she faced him and put her arms around him.

Brian shook his head then kissed her. "It was nothing," he said. "I just needed to have a conversation with God."

"Okay," Leighanne said with an unsure tone.

Brian cupped his hands around her face. "Trust me," he said softly.

"I do trust you," she replied.

"Good," he said then kissed her passionately.

Brian slipped his tongue in her mouth and held onto her waist as tight as he could.  Leighanne returned the kiss and placed her hands on his shoulders.  He released the kiss and Leighanne stared at him in surprise.

"What was that for?"

"It was just my way of reminding you that I love you more than life itself."

She smiled and kissed him back. "I love you too, Husband."

He hugged her close and kissed her neck. "Are you to go back to bed?"

"Of course," she said as she stood up.

Brian took her hand as he followed her to the hallway.  He flicked off the light to his office and they tip toed back to the bedroom.  Brian got back on his side of the bed and opened his arms for Leighanne to lay beside him.  He enveloped his arms around her and kissed her cheek.

For the first time in weeks, he felt totally at ease. Brian understood that closure was all that was needed to leave his past behind. His love for Leighanne was unconditional and undeniably true. He kissed the top of her head and settled himself for sleep. He was about to close his eyes when Leighanne sleepily rolled over and looked at him.

"What is it?" he asked.

She smiled and placed her hand on his cheek. "Nothing." she said.

"No, what is it?" he said with a chuckle.

"I just wanted to say good night. I drifted off before I could say it earlier."

Brian laughed and kissed her. "Good night, baby."

"Good night," she said then laid her head on his chest.

Brian pulled the blankets over them and rubbed his hand on her back. He closed his eyes and let out a sigh of relief. Before he fell asleep he said another prayer.

Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for your eternal love and guidance. Thank you for my life and health. Thank you for my success. Thank you for my son…and most of all…thank you for my wife.

In Jesus name I pray…Amen.